2 Years

Can you believe it's been two years already? Crazy. We didn't have anything special planned this year. Last year we went to San Diego (our first trip back!) and I played the piano for the Ronald McDonald House. That was an amazing experience. But we had no plans for this year and I really thought that I might forget. I tend to forget a lot of things now......I'm just not as organized as I used to be, so it wouldn't have surprised me if the day came and went without me even realizing it. But early last week my mind started to drift and soon became flooded with painful memories and uncomfortable flashbacks. I knew then that it would be impossible to go through May 20th and NOT remember. For a few days it was rough. I decided I needed something else to think about, so now I am planning a Halloween party - five months early. Anthony laughed about it, but it did the trick. All I can think about all day now are cupcakes, pumpkins, and chocolate covered deliciousness. Now that May 20th has passed, I am actually glad we didn't make a big deal about the day. It was just like any other Monday. Abby went to school. Anthony went to work. I had errands to run. To be honest, I did forget about it for most of the day. And I decided that's how I prefer it to be. That evening we talked about it as a family though. I thought it might be nice to remind Abby about what happened and why it is hard for her to do certain things. We looked at pictures and watched the video that I made for her birthday shortly after she came home from the hospital. She seemed to be paying attention, so I was satisfied. 

This has been a big year for me in terms of healing.  For the most part I am finally content with my life the way it is. I have accepted a lot of things and certain events and situations just don't bother me the way they used to. It is getting harder and harder to remember Abby the way she used to be though. The memories of that time are starting to fade, and that makes me sad. 

Knowing that Spencer is the same age now that Abby was when all of this happened is a little strange. I look at him and think he is so small. I can't believe all this happened to such a tiny little girl. But Abby never seemed small to me. In my eyes she was always big and very mature - probably because she had a baby brother. Spencer doesn't have anyone around who is smaller than he is, so he is still a baby to me. I wonder sometimes what he thinks about Abby. Does he even notice that she can't talk? Does he wonder why she can't walk like he does? We have a giant stuffed tiger and I have seen him walking around the house with it, the same way that we walk with Abby. He notices. One day I heard him say, "Talk Abby. Talk." He obviously heard me say that. I've said it to Abby a few times when I was frustrated with her. But so far, seeing him running around and doing some of the things that Abby used to do doesn't bother me. And I'm grateful for that. I wondered for a long time if it would be hard once Spencer was the same age as the old Abby.

I've been trying to think of what Abby has accomplished in the last year. The main thing is her ability to eat. Her swallowing and chewing improved enough that we were able to let her eat regular food and ditch the formula that was being pumped in through her feeding tube. That was a huge deal. She loves to eat. And she isn't restricted on anything anymore. She can eat whatever we want to give her. She chews with her mouth closed so we can't really see what she is doing in there with her food, but I still think she doesn't have complete function of her tongue. She has just learned to make do. And as long as she isn't choking on her food, that's ok.

Abby is slowly getting more coordinated. It's hard to notice it when we see her every day, but looking back I can see that she walks a little better and sits up better. She can sit cross-legged on the floor while holding a toy in both hands, and maintain her balance for a few minutes. She couldn't do that last year. And she is trying really hard to be able to turn single pages when we read books. Sometimes she can get it and that's pretty impressive to me.

She has definitely outgrown her wheelchair. We should probably get a new one, but we really never use it. The one and only reason we still have it is for school. Technically it is still her official means of 'transportation', so she has to have it at school. But as soon as she is inside the classroom she gets out and the chair is put in a corner until its time to move to another room for therapy. Then they put her in, wheel her to the next room and get her out again. I like the fact that she is never in her chair for more than 5 minutes. I'm sure she does too. She prefers to walk (with help). She is still really slow, but it is movement. And it helps keep her regular too. That is another improvement. She used to need a daily laxative. But once she started walking around more, she no longer needed it. And, in just two more weeks we will be done weaning her off the seizure medication. She will be medicine free for the first time in two years. I can't wait!

We go on lots of adventures. I take the kids to some type of store almost day. Mostly we frequent Walmart and Target. But I have also taken them to Hobby Lobby, JoAnn's, several grocery stores, and even Costco a couple times. I've gotten braver. If there are carts, we will go. Abby usually does really well on our adventures. We've only had to turn around and go home one time. Luckily her outburst that day was in the parking lot, before we even got into the store. I couldn't get her to calm down and had no idea what was even wrong. Aside from that one time, I decided she enjoys being out and about. And every time we leave a store I am so grateful that we can even do this now. For so, so long it just wasn't an option. Who knew that running errands with kids could be so fulfilling?

Here's to another good year.