How can we help?

I don't have much to report this week. Abby is still plugging along. She can climb onto the couch now and is getting herself up into a tall kneel quite a bit (a tall kneel is where she is on her knees but isn't resting her bum on her ankles - like standing on her knees).

People often ask us what they can do to help out, but we never really have an answer. I know there are so many of you who would jump at the chance to do something for us, but the truth is there just isn't much for you to do. We manage with the day to day stuff pretty well - it's nothing we can't do. I think the hardest part of all this is the mental aspect. I don't have time for hobbies or reading a good book, but I do have a lot of time to think - while driving to and from appointments, washing dishes, or rocking Abby back to sleep in the middle of the night. Thinking is good and bad for me. Especially right now. This time last year was such a happy time for me. I was absolutely in love with being a mother of two, always having a clean house, and most of all seeing the smart, beautiful girl Abby was turning into. I loved the conversations I had with her during the day, and I loved how much she helped me with Spencer! She was my extra set of hands. I have been stuck in a Twilight Zone ever since she went into the hospital. In my head, I am still living in March through May 2011. But somehow the rest of the world has kept on spinning and all of a sudden it is now March 2012. That is completely unreal to me. I have so many memories from this time last year and they are what I think about most of the time. It probably doesn't help that I have this picture collage hanging on my bedroom wall and I *stare* at it several times throughout the day. It is filled with pictures from that same time frame.

Spencer was 4 months old and SOO adorable. He smiled all the time and Abby loved making him laugh. One image that often pops into my head is one particular time that Abby was sitting on the toilet. She usually wanted to do it all by herself, but this time she wanted me there to help. I sat down on the floor in front of her while she did her business. I looked at her and she smiled the biggest, most innocent smile I had ever seen. Her eyes were squinted shut and her nose was crinkled up and she just looked so sweet and adorable. I remember thinking that would be a moment that I would need to remember and I was glad that I had slowed down to capture it. There were quite a few things like that and different thoughts that I had about Abby during those two months before she ended up in the hospital that I now realize were Heavenly Father's way of preparing me for what was to come. I will share them sometime. While I am grateful for those memories and for the smile they bring to my face, they also make me so sad. They remind me of what is missing from Abby - her personality. She is getting so much stronger day by day and it is easy to know she will be walking and running in the future. But when you don't see any progress as far as speech, or smiling, it becomes very depressing. So to answer the question, "How can we help you?" I would ask you to pray. Pray that Abby will find a way to communicate. If it is not though speech, then by some other means. Her frustration fits are becoming more and more unbearable (as are mine). She desperately needs a way to communicate. And pray that she can be happy, even if she can't show us. I can't even express to you how much I miss her smile. There is a picture in our living room of Abby right after Spencer was born. It's a good one of her natural smile (as opposed to the 'Cheese' smile she developed later on). Now when I see Spencer smile, I think he looks so much like Abby in that picture.

Prayers work. Heavenly Father is listening. A good friend shared a quote with me about prayer. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, "The Lord answers every single solitary prayer that we utter. He either gives us what we want OR something better." I firmly believe this. The 'something better' may not be easier and it may even come at a high price, but it will always be better. Every day is hard for me. Every day is a struggle. The main thing that gets me out of bed in the morning (besides my OCD need to keep Abby on her medicine and feeding schedule) is my testimony. I know that God is aware of me. I know He is watching over me every day and making sure I don't crash and burn. He knows just how far to push his children in order to strengthen them, without ruining them. I am trying my best to get through this and there are some days that I endure better than others. It is hard. Very hard. But prayers help.