Cry

I cry a lot.

I cry because Abby wakes up at 3AM every morning.

I cry because she is ANGRY - she screams and kicks me all day long.

I cry because she throws up every day.

I cry because I can't remember the sound of her voice.

I cry because I don't know if she is ever happy.

I cry because I can't give her the food that I know she wants to eat.

I cry because I get frustrated with myself.

But yesterday I cried for a different reason.

Abby was using a walker in physical therapy. At first she wasn't even really trying to move her legs. That surprised me because she always tries to take steps when we stand with her at home. But after a while, once she got used to the walker, she took 2 or 3 steps completely on her own with no help. I cried. Right there in the middle of the therapy gym. I was so embarrassed! I don't cry in front of people... But seeing her take those steps without anyone helping her was so overwhelming. It just seemed so REAL. Of course she had the support of the walker, but just the fact that no one was holding on to her was amazing. I am crying again right now just thinking about it.

And something else that ALMOST made me cry....

On Monday Abby had to go in for an MRI. It was just a quick one (about 5 minutes) so she wasn't going to be sedated. I was excited about that. She has been put under way too many times! I was told that I could go in with her. I figured she wouldn't be in the tube all the way and I would just be able to hold her hand. WRONG. I had to lay on top of her and hold her head still IN THE TUBE WITH HER. What? When would it be a good time to tell the tech that I am horribly claustrophobic? Abby did not like being in there and neither did I. I almost freaked out a couple times just because I knew I couldn't move and I couldn't get out. But I just focused on her and tried to sing songs to her - over the incredibly loud beeps of the MRI. Abby was wearing ear plugs and I had ear muffs. So it was more like I was yelling the songs to her....ha! I think if she needs another MRI in the future I will ask for the longer one that requires sedation.